Deer, why are you

If you’re like me you’re probably saying to yourself, she spelt dear wrong, it should be DEAR, not DEER. However, it’s not a typo, this blog is about my deering experience if you will. It all began with me wanting to go look at a home, but we didn’t have a full address, we knew it was on north 1st street and had a MLS# and a phone number. So we decided to call the phone number and spoke to a lady about how to find the full address of this home that we felt would be nice to buy and fix up, we gave her the MLS# she said she’d call us back within the hour, the hour passed and no returned call, so we went and looked at a few other places then gave her a call back, in which she tells us she forgot and will look up the information immediately and give us a call back. So we come back home for about 30 minutes and then she calls us and tells us the home is pending contract so she simply gives us directions to the house, and I say to the house loosely and you’ll understand why in a bit. So here we go, were’ in our truck, the windows down the boys in the back seat driving, and we see some nice scenery, and we turn left and go into a place that looks like our current community its cute and small, then we cross onto a highway, and I start thinking, gosh this is way out here, and then we turn onto a dirt road, and then I really start thinking and even say out loud to my fiance’ “ this house is out in the boonies, no?” and laugh, that would be the first and last laugh during the next 15 minutes. No it’s not because my fiance’ did something wrong, or because one of the kids misbehaved, it’s because as I finish my laugh, I look up and notice something in the bushes just up ahead, and then I notice that it’s deer, yes deer. Let me stop for a minute, I may be from a small town but I’ve never seen a deer up close, I have seen on TV how they will bust through a window and hoof people to death. So I’m sitting there while the car is moving forward, and I notice there’s not just 1, there are 4 different deer crossing, we are now may 2 feet in front of them and I start screaming, not a small scream a big loud scream of panic and terror, now I’m not just completely screaming some of my screaming is words, like for instance DEER AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STOP, TURN AROUND OMG OMG AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Yeah so, I was screaming and there this one deer who has horns, and looks like something from a Santa movie because he flies, yes not steps, not runs and jumps, but flies over this damn fence that had to have been at least 6 feet high, I’m having a little come apart right in the front seat, my body has went into complete fight or flight mode, and it’s telling me there are more deer, than you and one has horns and can fly and you need to get the hell out of there. And then there are another 2 deer that have ran across the road once and are now back in front of our truck looking at us, and at the two sides of the road as if to say “Which way do we go George, which way do we go” seriously, they were looking at an escape, and finally to my happiness they moved their asses back to the woods. So now it’s just me against the other two one of which has already jumped a fence and is running away, the other just standing in someone’s yard. I’m still screaming, and panicking, and my fiancé in a soft, calm, monotone voice looks me dead in the face and says “Why are you screaming”? seriously, he said it as if I had lost my damn mind, that any minute someone was going to be coming to give me a shot of Thorazine and straight jacket I’m not kidding, I really wish I was but I’m dead serious. I look at him, like “Why the hell aren’t you screaming”, and then I notice, no one is screaming but me, the kids are fine, he’s fine, I’m still screaming, and I begin to say to myself, “Stop screaming, stop screaming”, but they just kept coming out. Finally after what seemed an eternity, the truck goes back to moving, and the deer are gone and I can breath again, I’m calming down and I look at my fiance’ and ask “Why did you look at me, like I lost my damn mind, why are you so calm”, and he says to me “it was just deer”, just like that, like it was something he’s seen a billion times over, and I’m like, “yeah a deer that can kill us”, and “stomp our heads”, “I don’t want to die with a hoof mark in my head” he laughs, you heard me right, he’s laughing at me, and then looks at me and says “they are more scared of you then you are of them”, “they run from people”. I look at him and say “oh really, because I recall those two ran past us then ran back in front of us and started looking around, probably for a place to hide the bodies”, yes I know deer can’t carry a body, and I don’t think they eat meat, but I was in the moment. My fiance’ just laughs, and I tell him, I’d never seen a deer up close, a live one, and that I know those were Santa’s deer because the one flew over the damn fence, and how the movie Bambi is a damn lie because none of those deer were cute and none had white little tails, these deer were all wild and crazy. So we were still driving during this conversation, and we were still looking for this house, and we’ve been driving down this same dirt road for a while and haven’t seen it yet, then the road goes into a fork, one way leads directly to a persons home, which we obviously knew wasn’t the place we were looking for, and the second road lead to somewhere but was curved so we didn’t know at that time what, so of course, we take the turn, and then we notice it’s a house, not just any type of house, this house looked like something out of a scary horror film, one in which I’m sure if we stuck around long enough would have starred someone like me getting slaughtered by whomever this house belonged too. Why was this house so creepy, I’m not sure, maybe it was the way it looked kinda ran down, or maybe it was the thousands of cars in the grass, or perhaps it was all the dead carcasses laying about, or the fish heads on the fence posts, or possibly the two attack dogs, one German shepherd the other a poodle, the German shepherd was smart he was going to attack when we got out of the truck, the poodle not so much, it began running toward us barking while the truck was still in motion. I again go into panic mode saying “this isn’t the house let’s go before we die and our heads end up on the fence post!!!” My fiance’ and children are laughing, we are backing out, everything’s fine and then the truck started to act up, so we have to turn it off, then hope it starts again, before someone resembling leather face from chainsaw massacre comes out and tries to eat us, and we are SOL if it doesn’t because we haven’t got our cell phones thinking we wouldn’t need them still being in town. Thankfully the truck started up again and we made it home safely. When we get home there was a voice mail on my phone from the lady saying there was a mistake in the directions and in the ad, instead of going across the highway to the dirt road make a right and follow the street down until the second stop sign then turn left, the house is on the left side. I listen to the message, and let my fiance’ hear it, and we both start laughing, this lady and this mis-written ad had gotten lost to the point, that I’m sure we would have been eaten by something had our truck not worked. So that’s it, that’s my first and hopefully last deer experience, I have no desire or need to see a deer again especially not up close.

Willow Monroe

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